Thursday, September 4, 2014

Review: Throne of Glass – Sarah J. Maas

And the award for the most aggravating heroine goes to …

Celaena Sardothien

Surprised? You really have no right to be.

Miss J and I were one day (about two years ago) admiring book covers on a list in Goodreads when we clicked something and a breath-taking cover popped up. I read it. TORTUROUSLY THERE WERE NO WORDS FOR THE PAIN. I didn’t even bother to rate it on GR. I later realized the book owned MASSIVE fandoms; bloggers started collapsing around the time Heir of Fire (Book 3) released.
And I was like –

This is why I liked the book –

Celaena is infuriating. She is a biological impossibility. YA snobs take their time to patiently explain how characters in YA are unrealistic – she isn’t unrealistic, she is impossible. She, a reputed assassin – the Queen of the Underworld (only 18, that too – what an achievement) – gets caught and sent to a death camp that is deadly by general consensus. The Crown Prince Dorian (who is handsome, of course) gets her to agree to compete to be the King’s Champion for four years in exchange for freedom later. She is brought from Endovier by the captian Chaol Westfall (who is also handsome, of course).
So this girl – who psychologically speaking should be suffering from PTSD – shows none of it save for very obviously scripted nightmares. Then she takes care to tell us what she’s wearing (in painful detail) EACH TIME SHE CHANGES – be it her rags, or the palace finery or her ball dress or her nightie or AARGH.

“She loved clothes – loved the feeling of silk, of velvet, of satin, of suede and chiffon – and was fascinated by the grace of seams, the intricate perfection …. When she was free … she could buy all the clothes she wanted.”
A minimum of a paragraph on her attire is to be expected if you’re reading this, followed by everyone’s reaction to it. 

I got disgusted by the number of “oh!” in the book.
 “Oh, she loved porridge”
“Oh, how she adored candy!”
“Oh, she wanted Dorian”

Oh how I want to slap you senseless, C.
Celaena keeps comparing her present figure to when she was more of a beauty. Dorian keeps admiring the moonlit beauty, knowing not why. Chaol starts trusting her, knowing not why.

I kept slamming my head on the desk, knowing exactly why.
C is a collage of all things we like in a heroine – she loves to read, she’s sentimental with music (and Dorian overhears her playing the piano – I started crying then), she’s incredible with steel in her hand, she is kind, she is smart, she is beautiful, puppies love her, she loves parties …

And oh she gets her periods back (hurrah!) and one chapter is devoted to it.
She sneaks into one fucking masquerade ball (remember the heroine is an assassin) – two chapters are devoted to it (or was it three?)

She keeps admiring everyone – including how well Dorian has accessorized his cape with his belt and all that shit. She keeps getting surprised by the strength and kindness in Chaol’s face. She keeps making me cringe with every alternate sentence in an emotional scene. True story.
And cruelty to dogs make her cry, she feels guilty when she suspects her friend of being evil, but not an ounce of remorse is mentioned with regards to all the supposed killing she has done.

Not one fucking character is at least pseudo real. Our potential crushes are deliberately handsome. The bad guys are ugly as hell. The premise sounded promising but it gets MURDERED by the way this book has been written.
Sheer agony. I need to be given an award for getting to The End of this book.

VERDICT: What do you think?

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